Yesterday was one of those "Where the hell did that mood swing come from" days in regard to sweet loving little Parker. It had been a really chill day, no complaints, no fits, nothing! He had played learning games on the iPad ALL morning while I got some things done. Then after we picked up brother and headed to the 99 cent store to stock up on much needed "supplies" we passed Del Taco. You would think that EVERY TIME WE PASS IT WE GO! We don't. In fact we've only gone like twice. But oh my gosh try telling the 3 year old in the back seat that. Try explaining that home made quesadillas are better for us and that we are not taking time to go through a drive through. Try catching your breath when his sudden lack of self control takes over and he's screaming like a banshee on a rampage. Oh. My. How do we not tell our children to shut up? It requires a ton of self control on my part. It's hard to remember they are little people with very little rationalizing skills who are really quite, well...dumb. Not in a mean way but come on! They are really far behind us in knowledge and at one time we were just as clueless. So how do you handle that!? For me it's all about distraction. And bribery. (Or at least the idea of it) "Hey Parker, do you want to look at the toys?" Ok so we passed that tantrum...and had to look at every toy in the store. Then he found two AWESOMELY made toys that were the best quality EVER. Can you sense my sarcasm? They were total crap. And guess who just came? Santa! So guess what we don't need? More toys! But I bribed him with a toy. So now I just have to let him believe I'm going to buy the toy until we are checking out then give the cashier that secret look and nod of the head so she knows to discreetly hide the toy. It works almost every time. But this day, he wanted that toy. Bad. So I dragged a screaming child out of the store. It was awesome. And guess what? He screamed the whole way home. And do you know why? Because we passed Del Taco AGAIN on our way out of the parking lot and he wanted me to TURN AROUND AND GET A QUESADILLA!!!! It was a loud drive. We got home and I saw daddy ascending our apartment stairs and honked really fast so he'd turn around and come back down. He was NOT getting away from this one. I had done my part. Haha...so down he came. When that van door opened it was like going from the mute button on the tv to volume 99 of a screaming delusional monkey. Ben gave me a look like WHAT HAPPENED?! And I tried explaining over the screams. But then I got the other two kids and went upstairs. And even after I got in the house he was still doing this:
After Ben finally got him in the house I heard him say "Just what I wanted to do on my lunch break..." And I immediately said to myself "Just what I wanted to do with my LIFE!" And I felt instantly guilty for saying it let alone thinking it. Because I didn't mean it. Or I guess I did. Just not the sarcasm part. Because really...I longed for a long time to be a mom. And while I had no idea the struggles that would come along with it I WANTED IT! I begged and pleaded the Lord for these children. I yearned for motherhood. It truly is just what I wanted to do with my life.
Do you ever take a step back from the stressful or awful moments in your day and just take it all in? I mean even in those kids crying, dinner is burning, someone is probably hurt moments...do you just revel in the chaos? Do you know how many times a week people say to me "You'll miss it, it goes so fast." Do you know that I am listening when you say that? I am soaking in every tear drenched, run til' I'm ragged moment. And even though the conversations on texting with my mom always seems to be negative and HELP ME is the main theme, I am living my dream. I remember taking theater and dance classes as a teenager and hearing the phrase "Follow your dreams" over and over. And I wanted to SO badly. I thought I wanted to be on Broadway, living in NY...so many ambitions along those lines. But at the end of the day deep down I didn't want any of it more than I wanted a family. And I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little jealous watching some of my peers succeed in ways I dreamed of. I have friends who are living in New York and totally rocking at their various trades. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had I made different choices. Don't we all?
But honestly and truly...this is exactly what I wanted. I have brought three beautiful souls into the world. They are my friends. Even little Felicity is already one of my best little friends. We giggle together, and through our eyes we connect in such a special way. I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING. I held Parker today and looked through his baby pictures with him. It made my heart ache that ALREADY time has gone so fast. All three babies are no longer tiny newborns. And I can't ever go back. They only get bigger from here. And that's not all bad. That's exciting and awesome! Connor and I laughed so hard I started wheezing tonight! My kids are going to be incredible people. They make me laugh SO hard and they make me more proud than I ever was of any of my own personal accomplishments. They are each an answer to individual prayers and I thank God every night and morning for their sweet spirits. That's motherhood isn't it? That's parenthood.
So, sorry hubby for coming home to chaos, but I hope that you-like me- are living the life you always dreamed of. Because I know that especially with you by my side, this is all I ever wanted to do with my life.
